Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Help Me, Help Me, I'm No Good at Goodbyes

Breaking up is hard to do. 
Train and their "50 Ways To Say Goodbye" will help you, help you, get you through.
Can’t face telling your friends you got dumped? Take a few cues here on ways to tell them your ex is no longer with us. Festive mariachi... poppy rock... humorous lyrics... it’s all just good silly fun.

MUST see hilarious video:

My heart was paralyzed
My head was over-sized
I'll take the high road like I should
You said, "It's meant to be.
That it's not you it's me."
You're leaving now for my own good
That's cool but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
She went down in an airplane

Fried getting sun tanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes
She met a shark under water

Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
My pride still feels the sting
You were my everything
Someday I'll find a love likes yours
She'll think I'm Superman
Not Super Minivan
How could you leave on Yom Kippur?
That's cool but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion

Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in the hot tub
Danced to death at an East Side nightclub

Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
I want to live a thousand lives with you
I want to be the one you're dying to love
But you don't want to…

Now if you're counting, that’s only ELEVEN ways to lose a lover.
I added to Train’s list to make a quick and dirty 50 ways:     

          1)      Went down in an airplane

          2)      Fried getting sun tanned
          3)      Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
          4)      Met a shark under water
          5)      Fell and no one caught her
          6)      Was caught in a mudslide
          7)      Eaten by a lion
          8)      Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
          9)      Dried up in the desert
        10)   Drowned in the hot tub
        11)   Danced to death at an East Side nightclub
        12)   Caught cat scratch fever
        13)   Was gnawed by an angry beaver
        14)   Gazed directly at Medusa
        15)   Vanished in Tuscaloosa
        16)   Tripped on the treadmill
        17)   Rollerbladed downhill
        18)   Stepped on banana peel
        19)   Shocked by an electric eel
        20)   Dreamt about Freddy Krueger
        21)   Tried to tame a wild cougar
        22)   Surfed in a typhoon
        23)   Pierced with a harpoon
        24)   Blood sucked by a vampire
        25)   Lost balance on a high wire
        26)   Journeyed down a manhole
        27)   Fell asleep on cruise control
        28)   Break-danced with a porcupine
        29)   Went belly up in a vat of wine
        30)   1,000 paper cuts that wouldn’t heal
        31)   Ate a bad Chinese meal
        32)   Played footsie with a grizzly bear
        33)   Thought they could walk on air
        34)   Hit by lightening on a sunny day
        35)   Circled by a bird of prey
        36)   Choked on a chicken bone
        37)   Couldn’t pass a kidney stone
        38)   Toxic rainstorm without an umbrella
        39)   Fatal case of salmonella
        40)   Piranha came to skinny dip
        41)   Walked the plank on a pirate ship
        42)   Sawed in half by a senile magician
        43)   Coronary in missionary position
        44)   Head shrunken up on a pole
        45)   Heart literally turned to coal
        46)   Parachute opened at ground level
        47)   Sold their soul, cheap, to the devil
        48)   Swallowed up by a whale, Karma did indeed prevail
        49)   Rendezvoused with Sasquatch
        50)   Nasty flea infestation of the crotch

So help me, help me, I'm all out of lies.          
Comment and share some of your creative and wild ways to say goodbye. I would love to hear to them.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Chivalry Dead?

                    Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!  
                    Come out, come out wherever you are, Chivalry!
                    Are you there Chivalry?!?
                    Let’s all go home girls.
                    Chivalry isn’t gonna come out of hiding today.
Okay guys, just relax. This is not going to be an estrogen-laden-male-bash-blog-tour de force, although, you never know when one of them there just might pop-up. God knows I have plenty of material along those lines. Writer’s block? Pffft. The male gender has given me plenty to vent about. My keyboard is ready, willing and able. So watch those p’s and q’s boys.

Despite what many say, I believe chivalry is not dead.  It might not be kickin’ it hard like it used to, but it is still alive. 

Gone are the days of brave knights and noblemen decked out in armor that made it their duty and pleasure to honor and be gallant towards women. Hell. Gone are the days that you can even expect and assume every man will be polite and decent to you. 

Modern day chivalry is not as overt. As we “damsels in distress” have become stronger and more independent, chivalry has become weaker and frailer. It’s evolution. Fewer opportunities for our Knights in Shining Armor to come to the rescue and save us. It doesn’t mean we don’t like those chivalrous moments, however. Last time I checked, we are still “woman” and like “men” so it will only behoove you to act like a man, preferable a “gentleman.”

I’ve been lucky and most (not ALL) guys have been chivalrous in the new-age sense towards me. Want to make us feel special and appreciated?
  • Open doors for us (Yes, we can open them ourselves and we barely even expect this anymore. Bonus points for you!)
  • Compliment her when she looks nice (She probably spent a lot of time picking out an outfit and getting ready for you. It’s nice if we feel it wasn’t all for naught.)
  • Conversely, dress for a date (If you wear your every day garb every time, are we not worth a little extra effort? You will look hotter. You will benefit. Trust me.)
  • Offer to carry heavy packages (We may or may not need the upper body workout, but having a “spotter” is probably a welcomed gesture.)
  • If it’s cold, offer us your jacket (Can’t smooch if your teeth are chattering.)
  • If it’s raining, offer to drop us off at the door (From a curly haired girl, do offer or at least have an umbrella handy. Add water? My hair will go “Hulk” on your ass. It won’t turn green, but it won’t be pretty.)

Such a scant amount of effort, right? Simple common courtesies. Do them. It won’t kill ya. We aren’t expecting you to slay dragons for God’s sake, although, the occasional slaying of a spider would really be wonderful. 
I got this!!

We will be grateful for what amounts to mere politeness. We will believe that you respect woman and want to treat them accordingly. Your Momma raised you right.

Just this week at work I saw “Chivalry” in action, proving it is not a thing of the past. A female co-worker sitting at her desk struggling to get her water bottle open. Cue her “Prince” who quickly jumps up and runs to her rescue. The “Prince” here being played by the real-life version of Family Guy’s Peter Griffin, then add smell-a-vision. 

Peter Le Pew also can not open the bottle. Twisting. Turning. Grunting. Thankfully not belching, burping or expelling any other kinds of gases, as he does this often. The bottle is shut tight. He needs “traction.” What better thing to use than his shirt which is tucked deep into his pants? Pulling, pulling and pulling it out of his drawers which rivaled a clown with a magic handkerchief; he finally used the bottom edge of his shirt and is able to “conquer” the unyielding bottle. The woman sat unbelievably quiet, dumbfounded, but managed to blurt out a “thank you.”

Meg Ryan once said, “I heard that chivalry was dead, but I think it’s just got a bad flu.”
In this case, I believe it just needed a shower and a clean shirt?

But alas, it is alive!! ALIVE!!


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