If you weren’t my friend, I would probably hate you…

Really hot friends… who’s got ‘em??  You know the kind… ones that you would totally, totally, t-o-t-a-l-l-y hate if you didn’t actually know and love them.  The kind of people you see once and think, “pfffft, just who do they think they are??”  Souls blessed with an overabundance of gorgeous attributes that you cannot help but feel anything but disdain for them upon first glance.  Ummm, not fair!  I don’t want to call anyone names here (STINGY!!), but didn’t your Mothers teach you people that it’s nice to share?  Spread your wealth around, it would be the only polite thing to do with those less fortunate. Just saying.

Well, I have many friends like this.  A happily married couple that I’m proud to call my friends fall into my bucket of “Easy on the Eyes Friends,” very easy.  They are about to welcome their third and fourth grandchildren!  TWINS!  CONGRATS to my “hot friend Jen” and her equally hot hubby Bob!!  And yes, I did say “GRAND”children!  They both share a unique characteristic that prevents aging, in all its ugly manifestations, and causes them to look like they stepped right off the covers of magazines.  Barbie and Ken come to life!  If the term “GILF”, in both its masculine and feminine variations, wasn’t coined for them, it certainly could have been. 

Now when I say my “hot friend Jen,” that is not only how I address her (which I do, my little term of endearment) but it is also, indeed, part of her legal name.  I have traveled internationally with my “hot friend Jen” twice now; I have checked her passport… middle name… “Hot.”  Not kidding! 

My “hot friend Jen” has the body of a swimsuit model and the hair, oh the hair… long, thick, straight, shiny blonde hair!  “Hot friend Jen” has Hair-of-Barbie, Sherrie Sherrie has Hair-of-Poodle!  I have yearned for hair of such caliber for all of my years on this earth.  I always coveted Barbie’s hair.  Isn’t that even against one of the Ten Commandments, Thou Shall Not Covet thy Barbie's Hair?!?!  I GLOB on an arsenal of products, swing multiple straightening irons around like they were nun chucks and the poodle-essence still creeps back by the end of the day.  Arf!  “Hot friend Jen” jumps out the shower, combs her luxurious hair… DONE!  WTF!!

Now I have spent time thinking about “hot friend Jen” and her household of hotties… husband, wife, children, and grandchildren… all very, very high on the beauty meter.  It’s just not normal.  There has to be some kind of secret, right?  After much scrutiny, I came to the conclusion that it’s in their water!!  They drink it, they bath in it… it has magical powers.  I’m not sure if they got the hook-up from a descendant of Ponce de León or what… but they are on to something here!  

I approached my “hot friend Jen” with my theory, inquiring as to how long you have to actually live in the house for the effects of their mystical water to start to work?  Suggested to her that she should start renting out a room in her house and that I will be on the list of wanna-be renters.  She avoids eye contact and flashes a Cheshire grin.  The bitch is holding out on me!!  OK.  Sorry, "hot friend Jen," I really do not mean that at all!!  Even though my “hot friend Jen’s” perfection can be maddening, I do NOT wish a large pimple on her purty face or cottage cheese under her taut skin. I don’t.  IIIIIII rreeeally dooon’t!  If you know my “hot friend Jen,” she is truly one of the best people you could ever meet in your life… they do not come much better.  So disliking her for any reason is just not possible.  It - is - just - not.

All that being said… next time we have a martini or margarita party at my “hot friend Jen’s” house… I’m having my drinks with... EXTRA * EXTRA * EXTRA water PLEASE!!!  Certainly can't hurt...