Silence is Betrayal

I’m not OK.

The world is not OK.

Kinda surprised to find myself here. My long-lost blog. Hey there. Didn’t think I’d show up again to be honest. I started this blog long ago because I loved to write and wanted, at the time, to do it more “formally.” Mostly to write light-hearted things that might make a person laugh or smile.

Light-heart? Smiling? These seems like very foreign concepts at the moment. **extremely sad emoji face**

I have always considered myself a NON-racist person. I know this in my heart to be true.

Given the MURDER of George Floyd and the turmoil that has happened thereafter, I have done much soul searching. Which was done mostly in my bed in near fetal position crying intermittently and often uncontrollably for the greater of 3 days. But I digress.

Jump to my finding. I have not always been an ANTI-racist. Yep… I suck. 

I have played every incident in my memory bank that supports this unfortunate discovery over and over. With much guilt, much sadness and an extremely heavy heart these were on repeat from my Serta iComfort.

I know going forward I can do better.

I. Need. To. Do. Better.

Both to be true to my heart AND to support my friends and community that are people of color.

I vowed to make changes. Certainly don’t need to make that “public.” However, believe open communication and dialogue, perhaps, can initiate change.

** prayer hands ** fingers-crossed ** salt-over the shoulder ** ALL the things like this **

So much yo-yoing done on how this “change” will look for me. And here I’ve landed. My old friend, Sherrie Sherrie. Brushing off the cobwebs from this site. It never really had any great following. That’s fine. But maybe my reflections might speak to one person. For that, it would be worth it.

On to my indiscretions. I have been in the presence of racial “speak.” And, at times, have done nothing. 

NOT-A-DAMN-THING. 

I did not like the disgusting words that hit my ears. I did not agree with that filth. Yet I did not open my mouth. I was silent. Quietly indignant.

THIS. WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN. AGAIN.

I. VOW. THIS. NOW. AND. FOREVER. MORE.

After I finally dragged myself out of the bed of despair, I had a few discussions with some of the people that were around when I chose to take the easy way out, not stir the pot and not speak my mind. 

My truth. 

Reactions going forward will be different. 

If there is even a potential of words revealing an ugly heart? Silence is not going to be the outcome.

Haven’t figured it all out. Not sure how “future state” will look for me. It’s a learning and growing process. When I get upset I can get riled up. And you know what? If I act a fool defending what’s in my heart, SO BE IT! 

But complicity to racism is now OFF. THE. TABLE.

You may be asked to leave my home? I may leave yours? I might get out of your car? There’s always an Uber nearby. I may question your words? Maybe there will be a good conversation and growth on both sides? Maybe not? Maybe I will lose “friends?” Maybe some people will hate me?

I’d prefer things weren’t this way. That the world is happy-go-lucky and all about solidarity and unity. Unfortunately, I know racism is real and thriving. I need to go no further than my Facebook feed to see it. Kicking it like old school. Like the 1950’s. At times I have hope that racism isn’t the fattest cat around town. But I do see that f@#%*er being well fed. Steady sustenance of fear and bigotry.

Another moment in my past that I have regret. Probably circa 2002? Family (kid) birthday party. A “family” member had an all-out racial rant. I do not recall what was said or any of the circumstances thereabout. I do know it was over-the-top. I do know I didn’t like or agree with the sentiment. My son (maybe 10-12 at the time) met the rant with one of equal fervor. Calling racism flat-out. It was emotional and, um, I’ll just say “loud.” I took him outside. Calmed him down. Told him that what he felt was justified but he didn’t handle it well. Or it wasn’t the place? Don’t remember exactly? 

Holy mother #FAIL! 

I never addressed said “family” member that we (myself and my children) don’t “do” racism. Didn’t have his back. Never said I was proud of him. Semi shamed him for the outburst. In hindsight he was not wrong. I WAS! 

Ultimately the “family” member was, but here’s that complicity part again. You know?

Why the hell not speak-up (even loudly) against racial injustice?

Post my voyage through the depths of my soul, I apologized to him for that single moment. Through choked-up, tear-filled mom guilt. Twenty some odd years later. He’s 30 now. Better late than never.  

He remembered the day vividly. I’m not surprised. I’ll pick up the Mom “ball” I dropped decades ago and say it now, I’m proud of him for showing me an example of active anti-racism. Kudos!

I don’t presume to have any answers or solutions. I can only offer my perspective. Which I won’t assume is even worth more than the typical two cents. If even that.

There are people who are just inherently intolerant of walks of life unlike their own. I will say one word to this particular group. One word… HUMANITY. One can only hope and pray that one day the concept of “humankind” might sink through thick skin, deep-rooted prejudices and hardened hearts. 

WE. ARE. ALL. HUMAN.

Some believe there is no racism. Some believe there is no such thing as white privilege. Or see this current civil unrest in far different ways than one’s own personal lens on life.

    

Maybe we can learn from other’s perceptions on things like these and beyond? Hard work for sure. Trying to seeing things from their vantage point, we potentially can grow closer rather than widen the divide. 

Talk to your black friends and colleagues about when they’ve experienced racism. (Trust me – they have a story). Talk to your white friends on their examples of white privilege. Maybe you can relate?

I have an extremely close friend who just so happens to be black. One of my favorite people in the world. Hands down. I thought about how I might feel if he fell victim to police brutality. Anger certainly would not be out of the gamete of my emotions. I can understand anger. I can understand fear given the repeat occurrences of rogue cops and civilians demonstrating racism in extreme and ridiculous ways.

On the flip side of that, family members of police who have been killed or injured during riots or the like now or over the years. I can understand anger. Fear for “your” officer is justified and not disregarded.

There are no exclusives here. Or should not be. I think it’s often what people hold on to – it’s all or none. Why? Why does it have to be that way? Not all protesters are rioters or criminals. Not all police are bad. Not all whites are racists. Not all blacks assume whites are racist.

I am not without guilt on this front. Given similar actions on both sides of this depressing divide, I’ve let myself get upset with people’s words and anger because it did not appear to be equally matched. Assumptions are made. Maybe guttural reactions are spot on. Maybe not. 

I will try to do better to ask the tough questions and find out. 

Nonetheless, the same actions are not any different based on the color of your skin. 

There are murderers of all races (and professions). There are petty criminals of all races (and professions). There unlawful people of all races (and professions). All of that is wrong. Regardless of your race or profession. Wrong. Period.

I have sympathy for the level of frustration from the black community. I do. That level of anger is understandable and noted. 

I cannot get behind violence and destruction as a response in anyway however. An eye for an eye? Fight violence with violence? Nope. Not a solution. Not in my eyes.

Let me add that this type and level of response is not exclusively perpetuated by one race. Not during this current unrest or throughout history. White people rioted over Joe Paterno being fired amidst a child sex abuse scandal. No words. **skin crawl**

The overload of bad things happening right now is not pleasant. Understatement.

But we must learn from it. You know how it goes… or will be condemned to repeat it. Enough is enough. 

Buried within tragedies, there have been beautiful moments. Let’s revel and be thankful for those. People speaking out for what is right and just. 

Police going on record stating what happened to George Floyd is blatantly wrong. Coming together with the protesters. Walking with them. Kneeling with them. Listening to them. Hugging them. ♥ 
It’s what we need. Desperately. More of this. Please.

If a man or woman in blue can look at the now infamous “9 minutes” and not see “wrong” or “murder.” Please turn in your badge. If you see things you’ve been taught not to do, voice that. This is where we can begin healing and build trust again. The burden of solutions is certainly not all on your shoulders. But it helps to know you do see the same injustice. We can land together on that point at least.

There’s been many peaceful protests. There have. Instances of protesters challenging and stopping others from taking their anger to a point of destruction. Reminding them of the true cause and what needs to be done - peacefully. Again, more of this. 

Peaceful protests and demonstrations about police brutality have been met with much disdain in the past. One opposition I recall from Colin Kaepernick quietly taking a knee was that he was on the “job” and should not be able to use that time for personal reasons. Officer Chauvin was also on the “job.” He took 9 minutes of his “job” to do something other than his “job.” In addition, that “thing” was both criminal and inhumane. The National Anthem is less than 2 minutes. 

2 < 9.   Peaceful > Murderous. 

Something to chew on.

Why can’t a person be anti-police brutality, anti-racism, pro-police, pro-veterans AND pro-America. I am. I've fallen short on support of all. Room for improvement.

I believe there needs to be a change in law enforcement. Most definitely! Why did Officer Chauvin still even have a badge prior to all of this with the highly questionable and lengthy track record? 

This does not mean I am anti-police. Or think all cops are dirty. Or that I don’t value the lives of police officers. Blue Lives Do Matter.

I think when “Black Lives Matter” is met with “All Lives Matter” it discounts that there is any problem to be addressed. That there is no racism at play. Maybe that’s truly the stance? That they don’t care? They don’t see it? 

If you do care, we, as a society, can’t just leap over all hard stuff that needs to happen to get to the part of full equality for all. Where no particular group needs to speak out about the injustices they endure. There are no short cuts or quick fixes here.

We can be sensitive to and support the plight of our brothers and sisters, without losing sight of our own. Can we not?  

I’m on page 4 here on trying to express my thoughts. It’s LONG. I am sorry for that. It could be longer. Things are complex. Messy. None of this is easy. For anyone. 

But it is worse for some. 

And certainly is not for some white girl therapeutically pouring her feelings out on a laptop. I don't have first hand insight into any of this. I know how I feel. And I am willing to listen and learn beyond that.  

If any of this resonates with you, won’t you please vow with me to not go silent about racism and injustice? Be true to yourself. Your heart. #SilenceIsBetrayal 

Let’s listen to each other’s stories. Let’s be better. Let’s do better.

We can. 

I pray we will.

Two cents from a broken-hearted American.