Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father’s Day Gifts… the Good, the Bad, the Funny…

My Dad hates when I dig deep into my little bag of “Dad Memoirs” and repeat any of my entertaining little stories about him because he thinks I am making fun of him.  I – AM – NOT! I love “My Dad Stories.” What better way to honor him on Father’s Day than to embarrass him in a rather public way by sharing one of my favs?!?

Now  Dad…

Re – mem – ber

We are laughing with you NOT at you!!

Trust me!!

Here goes…

My Dad is always so hard to shop for… you can only buy so many polo shirts, new tennis shoes or BBQ utensils sets before you just start feeling like a shitty daughter. Dhem dhere be some boorr-ring gifts! I’m all about creative and thoughtful gifts and about 99% of my gifts to him have been neither. A mini pizza oven was one of my few frontrunners. An Italian man that likes to cook?!? In the cart that bad boy went! SOLD! It has gotten much use over the years. Winner, winner, pizza dinner!

Mangia! Mangia!
A few years ago I again hit the Father’s Day gift jackpot with a massaging chair cushion. Now this wasn’t any ordinary run-of-the-mill massaging chair cushion. Oh no, it was a “deeee-luxe” version! All the bells and whistles… remote control… multiple speeds… heat… shiatsu…many different programmable options to soothe achy back and leg muscles by simulating countless magical fingers of Asian descent. Number one daughter award right there, Baby! Sorry Sistaaaass… try harder again next year! I got this one!

A few days after Father’s Day, I’m talking to my Dad on the phone; he thanked me again for the gift and jabbered about how much he liked it. He said, and I quote, “I really like my vibrator!”

Complete silence. 

-- Time -- Stands – Still --

It’s one of those moments where you have a lengthy and very logical conversation all in your own head.  Feels like 30 minutes but is actually only around 30 seconds or so.  The ensuing convo with Moi goes something like this:

 “A vibrator?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

“He did just say ‘vi - br - a - tor,’ right??”

“Just what in-the-hell did I wrap and give Dad on Sunday?!?!”

“Oh my G-A-W-D!”

“A present snafu of immense proportions has transpired!!”

“Uuummm, Dad, I think I will want that back??”

“Uuummm, Dad, I think I will NEED that back!!”

“What – the – Ffffffffff!?”

“Wait… just… a… minute… here…”

“I was there when he opened the gift...”

“I actually saw the unwrapped gift…”

“I even saw my nephews playing with and enjoying this so-called ‘vibrator’...”

“He did indeed receive the correct gift!!!”

“WHEW!!!”  (wiping sweat from brow)  “Wheeweww!!”

“Silly, silly, sil - ly Dad!!!”

“He called his massaging chair cushion a ‘vibrator!!’”


I’m laughing on the outside and on the inside at this point. But not, not, NOT laughing AT anyone at all… WITH… WITH… I’m laughing with!

Best misnomer ever!

In all actuality, best Father’s Day gift ever. My Dad is not a phone talker, no, no, no. Not his thing. Nope. Normally one minute into any given conversation you’ll hear, “Well, I’m gonna let ya gooooo.” Really Dad? Nice talking to you. So the fact that our post Father’s Day chat surpassed the usual 3 sentence maximum is a testament to my superior gift giving skills. (Polishing my #1 Daughter trophy)      

There is no one-size fits all gift for Dads. Forget about all the stupid Dad trinkets or dumb ties. Think about what your Dad would really want and need. Now if you’d think he’d happen to want something that requires batteries, buzzes and will be delivered in a discreet brown box, who are we to judge? I’m, however, not sharing my trophy if you hit the gift jackpot like I did. It’s mine. All mine!

I want (and probably need) to caveat all this by wishing my Dad a very Happy Father’s Day! He has given me much over the years. He has helped me much over the years. He has fixed much for me over the years. To say I am grateful would be an understatement. Love you Dad. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to you!

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